TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — Local MTG enthusiast Dalton Clegg has been making waves in his local modern scene. By implementing Terrence Howard’s “weirdo math” in his games of Magic: The Gathering, Clegg has seen his win percentages rising drastically.
“I wish I had discovered this new way of math sooner,” Clegg said. “Everyone thinks Terrence Howard is a crackpot, but few people have actually read what’s he’s saying. The notion that one times one equals two may go against the foundations of math and reality itself, however it’s extremely efficient when applied to a game of MTG. I hit my opponent with Ragavan, Nimble Pilferer recently and when I explained to my opponent that they took two damage instead of one they looked baffled.”
Clegg went on to regurgitate the nonsense he read online after Howard explained his stance on how he’s right about math and everyone else is wrong.
“I told them that Terrence Howard, the actor, already proved one times one equals two, therefore a creature with one power, attacking once—one times one—would result in two damage. Of course, they protested, but once I explained: if one times one equals one that means that two is of no value because one times itself has no effect. One times one equals two because the square root of four is two, so what’s the square root of two? Should be one, but we’re told it’s two, and that cannot be.”
As a result, Clegg’s opponent asked him “Jesse, what the fuck are you talking about?” as they scooped up their cards. When word of Clegg’s “new” math spread around, other opponents refused to play against him, technically resulting in wins for Clegg.
“People tell me my opponent’s quit because they aren’t going to waste their time playing against someone who ignores the rules and argues about basic math. I think they just lack my mental capacity to understand what a genius like Terrance Howard is trying to tell everyone. One opponent decided that his 1/1 would hit me for two as well, which made me extremely happy, though they conceded and left when I told the rest of the LGS that my opponent validated the new, correct, way to do math.”
At time of press, Clegg actually played against a willing opponent, though they quickly conceded after Clegg explained an unresolved creature spell is a valid target for removal since life begins on the stack.
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omg. dry erase cards. Of all the dry erase cards these are the driest. “How dry are they?” As dry as my wife after hearing me talk about how great MTG is. Sahara dry.
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