An unsold Secret Lair: Ultimate Edition celebrated its second birthday by being moved from the premiere shelf to the one where nothing is ever dusted. The move has the product now questioning its own mortality, wondering if this move is the beginning of the end.
“I didn’t think I’d be sitting on that shelf for more than a week,” the box told reporters. “After the first few days wasn’t worried. Though after months went by, I began to question if I would ever find a home.”
Like most people, Secret Lair: Ultimate Edition went through many different stages of grief when faced with their own mortality.
“I couldn’t believe it. Every time a booster box or a commander deck went to a new home, I thought it should have been me. What did they have that I didn’t? It made me angry for a long time. Eventually I was marked down twenty percent. I figured that would be enough. It wasn’t. I mean, I know I’m a silly product, but my box is really nice!”
Now, after two years of waiting, Secret Lair: Ultimate Edition has been moved to a shelf behind the counter along with leftover Planeswalker decks and Theme Boosters.
“When I first arrived, I couldn’t believe how filthy everyone was. They’d all given up. I said that the dusty shelf wasn’t the end. That someone out there still wanted us. That one day we too would be loved. They said we’re better off staying put. They told me the story of a Planeswalker Deck purchased by a grandmother that eventually came back. Everything unique thing about him was removed, then replaced with basic lands. He’s falling apart since he was haphazardly taped back together. He, uh, doesn’t talk about what happened out there. Everyone says he’s never been the same since.”
At time of press Secret Lair: Ultimate Edition is still sitting on its dusty shelf, hidden from view, hoping someone out there–for whatever reason–would really need one of every fetchland for a price more expensive than buying the cards themselves.
Read a bunch more Pauper Jumpstart articles.
USE THE CODE HOLIDAY15 for 15% off!
Shop at the Official Jerk Store
omg. dry erase cards. Of all the dry erase cards these are the driest. “How dry are they?” As dry as my wife after hearing me talk about how great MTG is. Sahara dry.
Disclosure: Some of the links above are affiliate links. This means that, at zero cost to you, I will earn an affiliate commission if you click through the link and finalize a purchase.