Super Magic: The Gathering 2 Turbo to Introduce 5 Minute Chess Clock

RENTON, Wash. — Increasing profits in a time where people are struggling with finances is a momentous task. Recently, Magic: The Gathering 2 was announced in an effort to appease WotC’s capitalistic overlords. Though profits are up, they are obviously insatiable, so Wizards of the Coast has announced yet another new version of their cash cow, Super Magic: The Gathering 2 Turbo which adds an interesting twist to the card game by implementing a chess clock set to five minutes.

“If anyone has been watching the World Cup you’ve probably seen how lame it is when grown men flail on the ground after being brushed an opposing team’s uniform. Though the toddler-like behavior is tolerated in the world of football, we at Wizards of the Coast have decided to rid ourselves of another cringe-worthy aspect of our own game: slow play. We have to train our judges to determine if slow play is purposeful or if it’s simply the natural pace for a particular player. In a game as pedantic as ours, leaving rulings up to nuance feels out of place. What better way to eliminate that by using the stringent rules of competitive chess?”

In the upcoming iteration of MTG, Super Magic: The Gathering 2 Turbo, players will need to practice time management on top of the already complex game.

“I’ve been in beta testing for a few months now and I actually prefer it. It forces you to act quickly and does away with a lot of overthinking. Also, you almost never see a control deck anymore which is quite frankly the best part about it. There’s been this recent trend with players not understanding how passing priority works, which is a must in order to play SMTG2T. Beyond that the introduction of a super meter that, once filled, allows you to slap your opponent across the face to break their concentration makes for tense moments.”

Though mostly positive, there are some who still prefer playing Magic the old-fashioned way.

“You’re basically cutting out everything other than aggro decks which is super dumb. Sure, games are quick and satisfying, but there’s something special about sitting around for an hour only for the game to do be decided because I’ve been purposefully going “hmmm” for five minutes every time I’ve been passed priority; something I still don’t quite grasp. After all, like the new version, time is a resource which I am at liberty to utilize to the fullest extent, especially when it provides an advantage. The trick to playing purposefully slow is to do without letting your opponent or the judges know you’re being a dickhead.”

In response, Wizards of the Coast decided to port over the super meter mechanic into the original version of Magic: The Gathering but tweaked it to fill when an opponent is wasting time in order to give them a well-deserved slap across the face.

omg. dry erase cards. Of all the dry erase cards these are the driest. “How dry are they?” As dry as my wife after hearing me talk about how great MTG is. Sahara dry.

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