Staying True to the Films, Disney Confirms Their Upcoming TCG Lorcana Will Contain Plenty of Subliminal Sexual References

Lorcana image highlighting a buttplug shaped object

Disney’s announcement of its upcoming trading card game called Lorcana left TCG fans everywhere yearning for more information. In order to appease the masses, Disney confirmed rumors that the upcoming TCG would stay true to its roots and include plenty of subliminal sexual references.

“There are a certain number of expectations when a new Disney product is released,” Disney rep Gerrard Oneil said. “Lorcana seeks to embody the quality Disney’s customers come to expect. While the lore of Lorcana is an amalgamation of dozens of different I.P.s we plan on delivering a product fans of any franchise will love. We wish we could pause games to inject suspiciously catchy songs into them, but we’re going to settle for subtly adding dicks into the artwork.”


Longtime Disney fans are pleased to hear the company is sticking to its roots.

“Half the reason I enjoy Disney’s stuff are the strange urges that compel me to do weird shit after consuming their products. Hail Satan. Seeing that Lorcana seeks to continue this time-honored tradition means I’m going to buy this day-one. I mean, just look at the promo art. That thing is laden with dicks and, if you look closely, you’ll see what’s obviously a butt plug. The fact that they’re not shy about it these days is, to me, indicative of how great Lorcana is going to be.

Not everyone is pleased with the announcement.

“Disney is obviously going to be a major player in the TCG market when Lorcana releases. Magic: The Gathering has been a mainstay in the TCG world now for thirty years, but we’re not ashamed to admit we’re kind of scared. Honestly, we get a little squeamish at the idea of our fictional characters being lesbians, so we’re going to be in big trouble when Disney comes in swinging its dick around. Needless to say our team is scrambling to find an answer, but knowing the prudes I work with, it’s going to be an uphill climb.

At time of press, Disney also announced that the original name for the TCG, Orc Anal was changed by moving the ‘L’ to the front after feedback from focus groups.

omg. dry erase cards. Of all the dry erase cards these are the driest. “How dry are they?” As dry as my wife after hearing me talk about how great MTG is. Sahara dry.

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