Rumor: Next Unset Will Probably Give Everyone Pink Eye

With Wizards of the Coast’s penchant for perpetually releasing product coupled with the new black border, constructed legal nature of UN-sets, the chances of the next unset being close to release lies somewhere between likely to certain. Further, if the rumors are to be believed, the follow-up to Unfinity is a lot closer than you think and sources are warning everyone to get ready, because with this one the chances of ending up with pink eye are quite high.

“One of the recurring themes around Un-sets is the physicality of the players,” redditor and purported leaker u/chicken_friend_gumbo said. “It’s a chance to explore the space outside of the game and engage the environment. The next Un-set going to is going to continue this tradition by having players interact with the cards and each other in ways they probably didn’t expect. Let’s just say the featured mechanic has a disclaimer requiring all players to wash thoroughly before each game.”

Leaks released by u/chicken_friend_gumbo included text of the new mechanic as well as a card showing the context surrounding it.

“One example of this new mechanic is a card called Land Shark. Players are to lay on their stomach and are required to “swim” a single lap around the other player. The kicker is that the player must clench the Land Shark card tightly between their butt cheeks because the other non-shark player is going to try to snatch the card from them with tongs included in each booster box. Basically, this entire set, nicknamed the “bUN-set”, revolves around sticking cards in your butt-crack and I couldn’t be more excited.”

Beyond set mechanics, the new bUN-set is redefining core gameplay mechanics.

“Your butt is going to be introduced as a brand-new zone, which isn’t too surprising with mechanics like adventures and companions being introduced recently. Some spells will go between your cheeks after they’re cast and have a separate flatulence cost requiring the use of fiber tokens player’s collect during the game.

“Cards in the new butt-zone are going to be interactable so it functions more like a graveyard than exile, which makes sense flavor-wise. There are both perks and penalties for players who have the most cards in their butt, so there’s a decent amount of strategy involved with how much stuff you put in there.

“One rumored card allows players the chance to insta-win by holding their entire deck between their butt cheeks and waddle fifty feet without dropping any cards, so it’s beneficial to wait until the late game to cast this when your deck is smaller. It’s worth noting that the cards already in the butt-zone with stay there during your waddle and will also count as a loss if those, or cards from your deck fall out of your butt. It’s clear a lot of testing is being done at Wizards of the Coast.

“Lastly, collectors edition products are also going to be sold, but it’s interesting that they’re incorporating the theme. These foil cards are going to be so curled that they take the shape of a cylinder in order to assist the player in mechanics that require cards to be stuck up the player’s butthole.”

At time of press, rumors have started to ripple through the community, prompting major players in the accessories market to begin making MTG branded sanitation products and disposable sleeves. One wonders if the folks at Dragon Shield were privy to this information given their recent announcement of card sleeves for your hands.

omg. dry erase cards. Of all the dry erase cards these are the driest. “How dry are they?” As dry as my wife after hearing me talk about how great MTG is. Sahara dry.

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