Report: We’re Pretty Sure this Guy’s “Game Room” is Where He Kills People

Meeting new people is half the fun (and half the name) of Magic: The Gathering. In paper at least. If you play online you usually encounter a bunch of jerks. It’s why we love local game stores so much. Best of all, new friendships made playing in person can go beyond the LGS’s walls laden with Dungeons & Dragons décor and into the real world. Though sometimes things in the real world can be downright scary and unfortunately this is one of those times. See, we were invited over to check out a new “friends” new “game room” though we’re convinced it’s just where he kills people.

“He said he was going to get snacks, though I’m pretty sure I heard him lock the door behind him,” Bob Whithers said. “Also, doesn’t a game room have, you know, games? Or at least a table and chairs? Are we supposed to play commander on the floor? Is that blood?”


“I told you I didn’t want to go down here,” Jerry Smithers said. “I always said there was something off about this guy, but you had to go and say ‘What’s the worst that could happen?’ and I said ‘He could turn out to be crazy and kill us then eat us’? I’d like you to acknowledge I was right.”

“Fine, but we’re going to have him eat Ben first, he’s got the most meat.”

“Just because I work out,” Ben said, “doesn’t mean I go first. I’m the strongest and therefore our best chance of making it out of here alive. He should eat Jerry first, that way I can subdue him while he’s preoccupied.”

“No one is getting eaten. Look,” Bob said, “we’re probably overreacting. Maybe he’ll come back with some chairs and a table and we’re just going to play Magic.”

“You can’t read cards in here. There’s one dim light at the far end of the room. And who has a bug zapper in a basement with no windows? You know what flies love? Half-eaten dead bodies.”

It wasn’t long before the host returned with a table and chairs along with some snacks. “Sorry to keep you waiting I couldn’t remember what I did with the chip bowl. I’m going to grab another couple lights then we can get started. By the way I hope you guys brought your best decks because I’m going to eat whoever dies first.”

In the end, Bob was eaten though it actually added to the game of commander, which was one of the most intense, well played matches we’d ever experienced and will be back next week with another full pod.

omg. dry erase cards. Of all the dry erase cards these are the driest. “How dry are they?” As dry as my wife after hearing me talk about how great MTG is. Sahara dry.

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