Report: Black Lotus Smells like Hot Diarrhea when it Blooms

Girl looking at the black, blue flower she's holding with an uncomfortable expression.

Ah yes, the Black Lotus. One of the most coveted, iconic cards in not only Magic: The Gathering’s history, but TCGs in general. Despite its usual association with scarcity and high value, it turns out the actual black lotus smells like horrid, moldy diarrhea when it blooms.

“This girl I was seeing was big into MTG and everyone said I should get her some black lotuses. I wasn’t a player, so I didn’t understand the reference though I think it’s a valuable card of some kind. I mean, whatever works, right? I bought some and dropped them off at her house. She called me later but instead of thanking me asked why I would do that to her, and if I had them rubbed in a dead cat or something. Turns out they bloomed after I dropped them off and now they can’t get the smell out of the house.”

Many botanists appreciate the interest in the flower due to the popularity in the trading card game but wish people would do their homework before bringing the coveted flower home.

“What’s happening with these lotuses is the same thing that happened when that movie with the animated clown fish came out. Suddenly everyone wanted one but had no idea it wasn’t merely a goldfish you could torture by sticking in a bowl with water for a few days before flushing it. Many parents soon found out their promises to their children were going to be broken when introduced to the time and money pit that are salt-water aquariums. Now, everyone wants to give their MTG-crush some of these flowers but are unaware of the pungent properties of this pulchritudinous plant.”

Retailers nationwide have begun posting factoid sheets about the plant so potential buyers could be aware of the flower’s surprise.

“I’ve had to implement a no-returns policy for those flowers specifically,” said Rosemary Wheatley, owner of Acme Plant Depot. “People think we’ve done something to them, things I will not repeat, when they bloom. So naturally I bought a bunch of cards and wrote down a disclaimer about the lotus in very large bright letters. I thought that would be the end of it all, but the saga continues. It turns out that Magic: The Gathering players have a very hard time reading the cards, though it’s unclear as to why.”

omg. dry erase cards. Of all the dry erase cards these are the driest. “How dry are they?” As dry as my wife after hearing me talk about how great MTG is. Sahara dry.

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