Red Flag: He Chose to Use That Basic Land? Run, Girl

Woman looking concerned next to Lorwyn 291 swamp

Basic lands are fundamental game pieces needed by almost any deck in every format. Though mechanically simple, the value of these game pieces can range from being worth less than the cardboard they’re printed on to hundreds of dollars each. Released in every expansion and other special products, there are a seemingly endless number of choices for basic lands, meaning plenty of art and styles to sift through to decide what is right for you. That’s why we’re telling you, girl. Run. He chose that land. A Lorwyn 291 Swamp.

You may want to argue that art is subjective and there are no certainties derived by a cosmetic choice. Look I hear you. While mostly correct, only a complete psychopath would go out of their way to choose that basic swamp. So why the warning for this card? Glad you asked! Pour us some wine. You’re going to need it.

Like many annoying people we’re going to answer your question with a question. What is a basic swamp? And no it ain’t a place where dumb white girls who dress like Han Solo and drink Starbucks every day like to go croc hunting. Swamps are the embodiment of the black slice of the color pie. Obsessed with death, despair, and disease, it’s about killing then putting the corpse to use. It’s represented by friggin’ skull after all. It’s frightening. It’s amoral. And most of all it smells really, really bad. Yup, just like ya man’s bits. Yeah I remember you tellin’ me.

Knowing this, take a look at the land ya boy chose. It’s a swamp, at least that’s what the text and mana symbol says. It taps for black mana just like any other swamp. But look at it. What do you see? Green? Flowers? Colors? Is that water blue? What this card is doing is exposing you to the conflicting nature of this person. They may seem put together but deep down they’re as conflicted as one can get. Their timidness means they can never truly commit. And most importantly, they think they can have it all.

Above all it illustrates arrogance. He thinks a basic swamp should have all the colors of the color pie represented in its artwork. Stick with shades of black. You think this person is going to be about you? Nah, girl you want someone who puts you first. Someone who knows what a swamp is supposed to look like.

And before you start with the “You don’t know him like I do” nonsense… listen I didn’t want to be the one to tell you this, but he posted on Twitter that his favorite zombie and favorite knight is Sanguine Guard. Girl, there ain’t no way in hell Sanguine Guard is a Zombie Knight. What about that is either zombie or knight. That is a robot. Maybe that robot was a zombie knight at one point, but it ain’t no more. Man’s over here rockin’ Edward Scissorhands and singing opera or some shit. When’s the last time you saw a zombie singing “O Mio Babbino Caro”?

Girl, dump his ass before your relationship dwindles to the point where you’re using Magic Arena emotes to communicate. Psh. Lorwyn 291 swamp… Come on, girl. You’re better than this.

omg. dry erase cards. Of all the dry erase cards these are the driest. “How dry are they?” As dry as my wife after hearing me talk about how great MTG is. Sahara dry.

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