Opinion: Vibrating Toy Up My Butt To Cheat At Magic? Yes, That’s Totally Why That’s Been In There. For Cheating.

With the recent story to come out of the world of competitive chess where a competitor was caught cheating by using a remote-controlled vibrating toy inside his rectum to get signals from a third party, one might suspect the world of competitive MTG might… uh, check for that kind of thing before and during events moving forward. I mean, why not? They totally should! In the event that does happen, and they end up finding something in me I wanted to let everyone know in advance that the only reason its in there is to help me cheat.

Some of you might be thinking, “Isn’t that just giving them cause to check” to which I’d respond: no, the last thing I’d want is for someone to really get in there and do a nice thorough search. That would be the worst. I’m simply stating that if it were to happen and they were to find something it’s because I put it there out of misplaced ambition to do anything and everything to win – to do the one thing no one else is willing to do. (Though if there are, call me!) Yup. Everyone should focus on that and should not arrive at any other conclusion whatsoever.

Others might say, how would that even work? How would someone be able to see what’s in your hand to help you make plays anyway? I’m really glad you asked! Here let me demonstrate. Let me just get it… in there. Whew. Man, I hated that. Did you get that? That I hated it? Write it down. H.A.T.E.D… oh you got it? Anyway. Here take the remote and push these buttons: .–. .-.. .- -.– / .-.. .- -. -.. / ..-. — .-. / – ..- .-. -. .-.-.- Oh man, that was great. I mean, you did great… with the demonstration. You just told me to play my land for turn with Morse code!

You’re giving me a blank stare. Let’s go through the demonstration again. No? You sure? Okay, what if you told me to: ‘Be sure to use your mana efficiently on each of your turns, but also be sure to play your instants on your opponent’s turn, if possible, but not always since sometimes certain situations tend to benefit playing them at sorcery speed like when you’re playing against a control player. If they don’t have mana up go ahead and play those instants on your turn to play around their counterspells, unless you’re okay with forcing the counterspell out of their hand in which case wait for them to have mana up but cast it on their upkeep.” No? You’re okay with the demonstration being over? Are you sure? Alright.

As you can plainly see it’s quite awesome… I mean effective to get messages from a friend during a game to help cheat. Especially when they’re really long, complex instructions using lots of really long words like floccinaucinihilipilification to figure out which targets aren’t worth my removal. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to repeatedly use Morse code for all of Questing Beast’s text to uh… practice cheating. If I become proficient enough at it, maybe they’ll employ me to be the one to check everyone! Not to say that I would love it, because I wouldn’t, but I’d volunteer begrudgingly.

omg. dry erase cards. Of all the dry erase cards these are the driest. “How dry are they?” As dry as my wife after hearing me talk about how great MTG is. Sahara dry.

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