Opinion: You Say I Have No Life. Then What am I Tracking in This Notebook?

no life notebook life tracking notebook

You and your friends may have a had a nice hearty laugh at my expense after claiming I have “no life”. Yet here I am keeping track of it in my notebook. Curious.

Though my response may have led to even more laughter, I am going to assume it’s because your point has been refuted by my rational rebuttal and I’ve made you look like a fool in front of your really cool group of friends. I am glad I made them laugh even more as I went on to explain the advantages of using a notepad over a “sophisticated app”. Pay attention because I’m about to take you to school.

Sure, the “cool” kids are all using fancy phone apps these days to keep track of life totals. It’s as simple as tapping the screen to make the number go up and down. You already have a phone, so there’s no need to bring anything extra. This is fine if you lack the mental capacity to realize you’re willingly putting yourself at a disadvantage. It’s baffling that anyone would choose to play without pad and paper. They are superior and that’s objective truth.

Not only can I keep track of my life total, but unlike those fancy phone apps, my paper has a running tally of every change. With a pad and paper, I have a record of every increase or decrease in life. In other words, I make no mistakes regarding the most important resource in Magic: The Gathering. Phones can die or crash. Fat fingers can accidently change life totals. Casuals…

With a pad and paper, I can take notes, such as the cards my opponent has revealed throughout the game. Notes are an essential tool which provide an advantage over non-paper and pen players. I’m writing down your gameplan. I’m working through what your side boarding plan might be. I’m pretending I’m Wizards of the Coast by drawing pictures of dicks ejaculating dollar signs. Can you do that with your phone?

There’s just something so satisfying about inscribing your opponent’s dwindling life total on what is essentially the skin of felled trees. A tree died so I could keep track of my victory and guess what? You’re next! So be my guest, please continue using your phone. I do not mind and will bask in my victory, shredding the page I used to mark your defeat and throwing it in the air like confetti at a ticker-tape parade.

Get your own No Life Notebook at Pauper Jumpstart’s Official Jerk Store. Use the code HOLIDAY15 for 15% off everything.

omg. dry erase cards. Of all the dry erase cards these are the driest. “How dry are they?” As dry as my wife after hearing me talk about how great MTG is. Sahara dry.

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