PORTLAND, Ore. — The client for the popular card game Magic: The Gathering Arena is being chided by fans yet again. Recently Wizards of the Coast announced that financial genius, The Predator, is taking over as head of monetization for the popular free-to-play client.
“Even though we generated record profits in the second quarter, we always feel we can squeeze even more money out of the pockets of fans,” WotC spokesperson Edison Novak said. “While he’s certainly big enough to turn someone upside down and shake the money out of their pockets, The Predator has keen financial sense as well as bad-ass homing laser on his skull helmet.”
The move isn’t surprising to many fans who have been expecting the announcement for some time.
“Their monetization has always been very Predator-y,” MTG enthusiast Roshan Ferry said. “So, when the announcement came that their revenue model would be officially Predator-y I wasn’t surprised. I mean, if the Predator says you’re buying packs for 1,500 gold instead of 1,000 what are you supposed to do? Argue? Sorry. I enjoy having my skull and spine stay inside my body.”
WotC employees were unsure about the addition of a mammoth, man-killing monster in the office, though others are looking at it as a step forward.
“If it’s one thing we always need in the office, it’s inclusivity. We want to ensure we’re representing all walks of life in our offices, so when the call to include The Predator in the accounting department, we thought it was a perfect PR move. Yeah, many companies may tout gender and racial equality, we’re boasting planetary equality.”
At time of press players have figured out the ability to pilfer items from Magic Arena’s cosmetic shop by dipping their computers and phones in mud.
Read a bunch more Pauper Jumpstart articles.
USE THE CODE HOLIDAY15 for 15% off!
Shop at the Official Jerk Store
omg. dry erase cards. Of all the dry erase cards these are the driest. “How dry are they?” As dry as my wife after hearing me talk about how great MTG is. Sahara dry.
Disclosure: Some of the links above are affiliate links. This means that, at zero cost to you, I will earn an affiliate commission if you click through the link and finalize a purchase.