Pro Tip: What To Do When You Miss So Many Triggers They Coalesce into Physical Form and Begin Hunting You

With the advent of multiple digital clients, many new Magic: The Gathering players are learning to play the coveted TCG from behind a screen, where many nuances of the game become automated. When players make the eventual transition to paper Magic, skills like remembering one’s triggers were never honed, leading to an increase in punts and some unexpected outcomes. Those players may find themselves asking “What should I do when I miss so many triggers they coalesce into physical form and begun hunting me?”

“When a trigger is missed, it’s not really missed,” Pauper Jumpstart’s quantum physics consultant Lorelei Pacheco said. “There is a version of our reality in which the trigger is remembered, resulting in a fork. During this split the resulting action and inaction coexist for a infinitesimal period of time before realities diverge. When strong emotions are tied to these points in time these diverging choices coexist for longer periods before reaching their intended reality. These moments are usually imperceptible, however, Magic: The Gathering players have very strong emotional responses to missed triggers and tend to focus on them long after the divergence has taken place. If this happens frequently enough there is a possibility that they could manifest into our physical reality.”

Once your missed triggers do manifest how do you recognize it? Why is it important to be mindful of your surroundings if you think you’ve missed so many triggers, they may have taken physical form?

“Because they are born of a person’s own consciousness,” Pacheco said passing the bong, “they take on the appearance of that individual’s shame. Essentially, they look different depending on who summoned them. That is actually a good thing, because in almost every circumstance the manifestation seeks out the individual with the intention of doing horrible things. If you are able to recognize your triggers by the feeling of shame their appearance imparts on you, I have one piece of advice. Run.”

While many readers might be picturing a gruesome outcome due to Pacheco’s ominous warning, it’s not as dreadful as you may have anticipated. Even still, it’s best to heed her warning.

“If you’re not able to escape their pursuit prepare yourself as you will be bombarded with a continuous stream of retellings of your worst punts. You will be made to relive every cringe-ridden moment. Unable to forget. Unable to move on. Each reminder a replay every moment, illustrating just how inadequate of an MTG player you really are. Not many players are able to tolerate this for long and merely resort to selling off their collection and quitting the game for good.”

Before we ran out of weed, we asked Pacheco if anything else acts in a similar fashion, so she explained how black holes are actually formed from all the vegetables we neglected to eat throughout our lifetimes.

omg. dry erase cards. Of all the dry erase cards these are the driest. “How dry are they?” As dry as my wife after hearing me talk about how great MTG is. Sahara dry.

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