Wizards of the Coast Announces the End of Cardboard, Will Start Printing New Cards Exclusively on Meat (Fine Whatever, and an Impossible Meat Vegan Option)

RENTON, Wash. — Wizards of the Coast announced a new initiative to cut down on the amount of paper it processes. They released details on the impact its products have on the environment, prompting a reevaluation of its printing process. As a result, Magic: The Gathering cards will be printed exclusively on meat starting in 2023. We’re sure the vegans are gonna be pissed.

“There are just so many vegans,” WotC spokesperson Saffa Reese said between bites of steak. “With so many people refusing to eat even a little bit of meat we decided to do something about the overabundance. We didn’t want it to go to waste obviously, so we’ve moved cheeseburger day from Wednesdays to every day here in the office. Even then we had so much meat left over. Sam from the mail room joked that we should print some meat cards, and since no one else could think of a better idea we ran with it.”

Literally 12.3 seconds after the announcement vegans everywhere got real pissed off.

“This is disgusting. I literally vomited in my mouth when I saw the mockups they posted. I had to spit it out because I don’t consume anything that an animal produces, which includes my own vomit. Anyway, we vegans are never going to let this happen. An animal shouldn’t have to die because these people want to save trees. You can always make more trees; you can’t replace a life. Wizards still hasn’t offered a gluten-free option of the color pie either which says a lot about their stance on the dietary needs of their fans.”

WotC was quick with their rebuttal.

“We’re Magic: The Gathering. What’s another word for gathering? Oh, I don’t know, let’s check in with my favorite dinosaur, the thesaurus. What say you, oh wisest of dinosaurs? What’s that you say? Meet is one of the first synonyms? Oh gee. I’m pretty sure Magic: The Meating would work here in both syntax and context. Can’t argue with a friggin’ dinosaur, can you? What’s that card that wipes your board? Veggiehook Massacre? You think Asmoranomardicadaistinaculdacar has tofu scorpions just lying around? You know Richard Garfield, the creator of Magic: The Gathering? Made of meat. Head to toe. Look it up.”

After a few weeks of protests Wizards of the Coast caved and decided to start printing impossible meat cards for, “Our peeps who don’t dine on swine.”

omg. dry erase cards. Of all the dry erase cards these are the driest. “How dry are they?” As dry as my wife after hearing me talk about how great MTG is. Sahara dry.

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