Magic: The Gathering Officially Old Enough To Walk Around Locker Room Naked and Not Care

Old man naked in a locker room

As you age everything tends to become a bit quieter. And yes, that’s partially due to hearing loss, but also the voice inside your head that makes you care about what other people think. Sources have officially confirmed that Magic: The Gathering, old as it is now, is walking around locker rooms completely naked and uncaring.

“Usually these things happen gradually,” Dean Silmons, MTG’s personal trainer said. “You know, going from a towel to holding a gym bag in the right places as you stroll through the locker room. Not MTG though. Zero to butt naked.”


Newfound freedom for their dangly bits was not the only signs of old age.

“Never bothered to hold back taking a shit either,” Silmons continued. “Let it all out, healthy grunts and all. Gotta say, you get to a certain age and you start appreciating an effortless poop. Almost becomes a celebration in there at times. Good for them.”

Even though MTG has been showing disdain for teenager’s late night shenanigans stupid music, they maintain their newfound lack of social shame is merely a biproduct of enlightenment and not old age.

“Sure, three beers ruins the following day and all our belts are now canvas,” MTG said. “But we’re still with it. The kids love us and just because they think we’re talking about the animated movie when discussing Ice Age is doesn’t mean we’re old.

At time of press MTG was unavailable for further comment as they had fallen asleep in their recliner since they got up at 5:30 A.M. and, for whatever reason, thought it was a point they should brag about.

It’s a good thing you’re never too old for a commander deck. Today you can purchase Rivateers Rampage for 36% off, less than $40! Sure, saving money is kind of for old people, but look, the box says it’s for 13 year olds!

Disclosure: Some of the links above are affiliate links. This means that, at zero cost to you, I will earn an affiliate commission if you click through the link and finalize a purchase.

Help Support Us!

If you enjoy our content, pretty, pretty please consider becoming a patron at our Patreon page. A $1 pledge will help us with costs. That’s it. $1. It’s all we want. You know what you can buy for $1 these days? Not much! Unless you went to the dollar store, then you can buy a whole lot! Wait. No. Give us the dollar, not the dollar store. If you don’t enjoy our content we guess you can go to the dollar store, but we doubt it since shitting on MTG is hilarious.

Or if you have many dollars, check out the official Pauper Jumpstart Jerk Store and lend your support through great apparel we designed.

Leave a Reply