RENTON, Wash. — During a board meeting with Hasbro executives, Wizards of the Coast reported the parent corporation not-so-casually mentioned Magic: The Gathering’s monthiversary is right around the corner.
“Given that players are willing to commemorate Magic: The Gathering’s anniversary by emptying wallets / souls, we’d like to remind everyone that anniversaries happen on a yearly basis. But, like any totally not-toxic relationship, we feel a yearly ritual of showering us with gifts/revenue is just too infrequent. The consensus is that we should now follow the example of my 16-year-old nephew and his girlfriend. They are celebrating their second monthiversary,” said Board Member Xerxes while raising his eyebrows and going “Eh? Eh?”
Though cautious about adding to an already tight release schedule, Wizards of the Coast executives think player’s bank accounts have it in them to support it.
“We’re always executing with two things in mind. Profits and appeasing our fans. To be clear, by fans we’re referring to those buying product as an investment. If we’re going to run our business like a stock market, we can’t run out of stocks to buy. As a result, monthiversary products would ease speculator’s worries about running out of things to spend their money on. As I’ve always said, if there’s empty space in Rudy’s warehouse, we’re not doing our job.”
The notion wasn’t a surprise to analysts who expected the toy giant to begin moving on their goal of 50% more profits in three years.
“In terms of setting random figures as goals, Hasbro’s is a doozy. Traditionally, increments of anniversaries are themed by a respective material. Breaking tradition, Wizards of the Coast has asked that each monthiversary be themed around cash. To be clear they’re not talking about making more money. They’re talking about profit. Profit in a time where most people can’t get eggs, bread, and milk for less than $25. They’re never going achieve their goals through that demographic. But not to worry. We’ve seen enough National Geographic to know that the largest ocean faring mammals do, in fact, have mammary glands.”
In other news they’ve decided to begin marketing each occasion as “That Time of the Month” where they aim to “bleed their customers”.
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omg. dry erase cards. Of all the dry erase cards these are the driest. “How dry are they?” As dry as my wife after hearing me talk about how great MTG is. Sahara dry.
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