AUSTIN, Texas — Local businesses brought the fight to Wizards of the Coast today after the announcement that Magic 31 will take place in Austin, Texas. Originally slated to take place on the train Snowpiercer, today’s announcement was a bit of a surprise to everyone. In response, businesses nearby the convention hall have already begun installing anti-card game spikes on their tables.
“If Magic 30 was any warning, local businesses need to watch out for themselves. With so many people unable to play within Magic 30, players took to restaurants, coffee shops, and hotel lobbies to play games of Magic: The Gathering. Worst of all, these nomads were the poorest of the bunch, meaning that despite taking up space and using tables for hours, they weren’t buying anything.”
Opponents of the move call the spikes “inhuman”.
“Ultimately, patrons are patrons,” said MTG enthusiast William Wattson. “We’re not playing Magic: The Gathering 24/7 you know. It’s more like 16/7. Either way, I will never step foot in any of the places installing these spikes. To be fair, it’s not like I would anyway since my LGS and MTG events are the only reasons I leave the house. Still, someone has to stand up for us. Yeah, we’re spending a bunch of money on travel, accommodations, and entry fees for Magic 31, but if we can take up an entire corner of a Starbucks across the street with a 2-hour game of Commander, what’s even the point in attending?”
Those local to the community see the spikes as a brutal measure but say it’s better than doing nothing.
“I was actually in Vegas during their last little Magic event,” says local woman Karen McCormick. “You’d go get some coffee and there’s these giant rows of dudes playing cards on these quaint little mats. I thought it was kind of cute at first, but then I realized I had no place to sit and drink my coffee while I blasted emails about my MLM. I thought I could wait it out, but after a while I asked how much longer they’d be. They said they were drafting a cube and hadn’t even moved to rounds yet. I had no idea what that meant, so someone translated for me and said it would be like three more hours. So yeah, make those spikes permanent!”
When asked if it would be easier to kick the players out of their businesses instead of installing spikes, owners responded saying the spiked tables would also be used to bludgeon TikTok influencers who think they’re cute filming themselves treating employees like garbage.
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omg. dry erase cards. Of all the dry erase cards these are the driest. “How dry are they?” As dry as my wife after hearing me talk about how great MTG is. Sahara dry.
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