‘Mana’ Players Extract From Lands Actually Just Methane Gas, ‘Spells’ Hallucinations Resulting From Brain Damage


Magic: The Gathering takes place in multiple planes of existence where magic collides with the lives of millions across near-infinite worlds. Planeswalkers are character who traverse the gaps between these worlds to do battle with interplanar foes, while events unfold around them to bring life to new and existing characters and tell their stories. At least, that’s what you’ve been told. New research however suggests all of that, every world, character … even every spell you’ve ever cast has been a hallucination from the lack of oxygen due to the “withdrawal of mana”, which in reality has been determined to be methane gas.

“The results are clear,” Dr. Gill Hartnick said in a press conference. “The psychosis of those troubled individuals that were terrorizing different towns across America was due to a range of factors, but most pronounced was the loss of cognitive function due to an excessive intake of methane gas.”


In short, these people were under the impression they were drawing power from the very lands they walked upon in order to accomplish impossible feats: calling lightning or summoning demons for example. While in reality they’re just huffing gas.

“It must have seemed very real to them,” Hartnick continued. “But the only reality are the bodies these troubled individuals left behind.”

In custody, the individuals–whose identities are being preserved–still have no idea of the scope or repercussions from their actions.

“The Eldrazi cannot hold me for long, for I am Teferi and shall unravel time and space itself in order to defeat them. My powers seem have been stifled for now, but once I have access to this world’s energies, I will call upon my fellow planeswalkers to smite down all who oppose us.”

Unfortunately for most people, telling the difference between a LARPer and one of these deranged individuals is nearly impossible until it is far too late. Taking every preventative measure when spotting an individual claiming to have access to the supernatural or medieval weaponry–even if it’s just a stick–will help keep you and those around you safe.

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