Outrage At Wizards of the Coast For No Gluten-Free Option of The Color Pie

BUTTERMILK, KS — Magic prides itself on inclusion. After all, “The Gathering” is one of the best parts about the game (unless you’re on Arena… oops) so being representative of as many people as possible is important. This aspect of the game has become a source of contention recently after a group of forward-thinking nutritionists made a very astute observation: the “Color Pie” that so many players have been enjoying over the years has no option for its gluten-free players.

“We’re not asking for much,” Harvey Singon told us. He’s a founding member of ‘No Whey’, an organization who advocates for gluten sensitive members of society. “We’re not asking for anything to change, but options for people with Celiac disease—along with those of us whose dicks fly off if we eat gluten—would be a big step forward for inclusivity.”


While WotC had no comment on the issue at the time of this article’s publication, we did receive word from an inside source that the official stance was, “Our cards already taste like cardboard. Isn’t that enough?”

“WotC needs to stop acting like they don’t care about our dietary needs. Obviously they expect people to be eating cards otherwise they wouldn’t distribute cards via random packs. What else are we supposed to do with all those extra copies of commons? You say they’re inedible, yet here they are adding flavor text. Curious.”

Just how many players will vie for a more crumbly, stale tasting version of the color pie remains to be seen, however with other movements now coming to the forefront such as the “Blue Pescatarian Wizards of Maine” and “Tasty Green Creatures Are Keto” could spur the conversation into something broader.

omg. dry erase cards. Of all the dry erase cards these are the driest. “How dry are they?” As dry as my wife after hearing me talk about how great MTG is. Sahara dry.

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