Exclusive: Bacteria In Unwashed Playmats Witness All Your Most Embarrassing Punts

Playmat with bacteria zoomed in on

Misplays happen, especially in paper when you don’t have handy auras around playable cards and robots to tap your lands for you. Luckily, most misplays are in front of a small audience of one to three other people, so at least the embarrassment is contained. That was until the discovery of sentient bacteria in unwashed playmats who see every one of your missed lethals, misplays, and punts.

“Magic: The Gathering gave us a unique look at how bacteria evolve,” Dr. Voul Stinch stated, “since most playmats are never washed, sometimes for decades.”

Simply put, the bacteria inside these playmats, given their thriving ecosystem, gain a low level of sentience.

“We watched how the bacteria reacted to players. Missed opportunities for lethal showed the most reaction though missing optimal lines and punts did show change in the bacteria’s behavior as well.”


What Dr. Stinch and his colleagues discovered was shocking.

“Not only are they aware of their surroundings, but they see and remember every single terrible play you make. Not only that, but we’re almost sure they’re judging you. Given bacteria’s ability to disseminate information among colonies, we’re positive that your most embarrassing moments are now stored in the memories of bacteria that will still be thriving long after you are dead.”

Most shocking of all, was the transference of this information between playmats that may come into contact with one another. In other words, millions of tiny, microscopic organisms all over the world are all laughing about that time you were Spell Pierced and then were too embarrassed to play your land for turn afterward.

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