Don’t Test Me: Quiet Down and Behave or I’ll Turn this Car Around Then Explain Why cEDH is Superior in Great Detail

Angry driver turning to face passenger in back seat

Local Father is sick of your shit and unless you stop whining and complaining about your brother having more graham crackers than you, he’s going to turn the car around, then gush about his love for cEDH.

“There’s no rule book when it comes to parenting,” Dak Billings, 34 and father said. “You have to find the things your kids hate, then use it to manipulate them into good behavior. It just so happens, for my kids, that thing is hearing me talk about my hobbies.”

Billings’ kids, Matthew 4 and Ryan 7, aren’t too afraid that their father will actually turn the car around. But take the threat of long-winded diatribes against non-cEDH decks is a very real one.


“I don’t know why he cares so much,” Ryan, 7 said. “Mom doesn’t and we don’t. We know he’s using it as a way to get me and my brother to do what he wants, but we’ve asked for Bluetooth earbuds for Christmas this year. That way he’s not so much of a threat anymore. Mom said she’s going to buy herself a pair too.”

Billings isn’t too concerned about the move to combat his only weapon against backseat car ride terror.

“Eventually they’ll understand. Once they’re old enough to run some real pods they’ll see what I’ve been saying all these years. cEDH is superior in every way and once they experience it for the first time, I suspect that they’ll be threatening their own kids about it when they’re my age. It’s kind of how this all works, you know?”

At time of press, the children are now armed with Bluetooth earbuds, though ironically distract them from one another to keep them calm during road trips, further validating Billings’ opinion that cEDH is superior, no matter how you look at it.

They might not be cEDH, but right now you can grab all five New Capenna commander pre-cons for 33% off! That mean’s they’re about $30 each! Sell the ones you don’t want and buy some Jabra Elite 3 Bluetooth earbuds for like $80 just in case someone you love won’t shut up about MTG either! (We own these and they’re fantastic.)

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