Author Archives: orangewookietime

My partner and I’s sex life has always been vanilla, so we decided to spice things up a bit. During some rigorous intercourse they began chiding me, calling me all sorts of awful, depraved things. It didn’t do much for me until they said I was an “annoying stax player” which, for whatever reason, gaveContinue reading “Help: My Partner Called Me an Annoying Stax Player During Sex and Now it’s the Only Way I Can Orgasm”

DENVER, Colo. — Local Magic: The Gathering enthusiast and collector Marvin Williamson has advice for anyone contemplating buying and selling MTG cards. Buy a jeweler’s loupe as it’s a great way to pretend you have the ability to spot a fake card. “People out there will swear up and down they can spot a fakeContinue reading “Jeweler’s Loupe a Great Accessory for Faking Ability to Identify Counterfeit Magic Cards”

With Magic30 right around the corner, more details about the celebration continue to trickle in. Recently, prizing for a cosplay event at the thirty-year anniversary was announced which included a $200 gift card to JOANN Fabric for the winner of the event. Reasonable people took to the internet to meme on what should have clearlyContinue reading “After Backlash, Wizards of the Coast Bolsters Magic30 Prizing with Complimentary Continental Breakfast”

DOMINARIA — Fans were rightfully devastated after it was revealed that everyone’s favorite Khajiit planeswalker, Ajani Goldmane, was in fact a Phyrexian sleeper agent. Unable to cope with the loss of this beloved character, many fans have proposed a wild theory which could mean redemption down the line for the beloved kitty. In short, documentsContinue reading “Still Hope? Ajani One Artificial Nipple Short of Compleation”

The old Magic: The Gathering adage that ‘Math is for blockers’ is having its limits tested today. Sources confirmed that a game of limited has come to a standstill after the blocker stated that they do not want to do the math either. “I learned how to play MTG on Magic Arena,” said Savanna Potter,Continue reading “Report: Blocker Doesn’t Want To Do The Math Either”

With the recent story to come out of the world of competitive chess where a competitor was caught cheating by using a remote-controlled vibrating toy inside his rectum to get signals from a third party, one might suspect the world of competitive MTG might… uh, check for that kind of thing before and during eventsContinue reading “Opinion: Vibrating Toy Up My Butt To Cheat At Magic? Yes, That’s Totally Why That’s Been In There. For Cheating.”

With the advent of multiple digital clients, many new Magic: The Gathering players are learning to play the coveted TCG from behind a screen, where many nuances of the game become automated. When players make the eventual transition to paper Magic, skills like remembering one’s triggers were never honed, leading to an increase in puntsContinue reading “Pro Tip: What To Do When You Miss So Many Triggers They Coalesce into Physical Form and Begin Hunting You”

TALLAHASSEE, Fla. — Local MTG enthusiast Dalton Clegg has been making waves in his local modern scene. By implementing Terrence Howard’s “weirdo math” in his games of Magic: The Gathering, Clegg has seen his win percentages rising drastically. “I wish I had discovered this new way of math sooner,” Clegg said. “Everyone thinks Terrence HowardContinue reading “Local Man Wins Games of MTG by Employing Terrence Howard’s “Weirdo Math””

People almost never ask Pauper Jumpstart for our opinions on new Magic: The Gathering products and who can blame them? Though, in the spirit of ignoring mean internet comments I decided to provide our own review on the latest expansion, Dominatrix Untied, but were unable to complete it since the cards in it were notContinue reading “Set Review: New Expansion Dominatrix Untied Wasn’t Even Close to What We Expected”

Ah yes, the Black Lotus. One of the most coveted, iconic cards in not only Magic: The Gathering’s history, but TCGs in general. Despite its usual association with scarcity and high value, it turns out the actual black lotus smells like horrid, moldy diarrhea when it blooms. “This girl I was seeing was big intoContinue reading “Report: Black Lotus Smells like Hot Diarrhea when it Blooms”