Author Archives: orangewookietime

Magic: The Gathering is a rewarding game. Part of what makes it so appealing is its complexity and depth, making the barrier for entry a bit intimidating for some. Though there are no shortage of guides, some are better than others. However, one guide in particular adopted a strange methodology to their instruction, a recommendationContinue reading “Magic: The Gathering Beginners Guide Recommends Never Learning Magic: The Gathering”

RENTON, Wash. — Increasing profits in a time where people are struggling with finances is a momentous task. Recently, Magic: The Gathering 2 was announced in an effort to appease WotC’s capitalistic overlords. Though profits are up, they are obviously insatiable, so Wizards of the Coast has announced yet another new version of their cashContinue reading “Super Magic: The Gathering 2 Turbo to Introduce 5 Minute Chess Clock”

The hot new digital CCG Marvel Snap has been making waves among players. This trend continued today with the announcement of Marvel Snap as the official sponsor of everyone’s massive post-Thanksgiving shit. “People all realize Marvel Snap’s game length is basically the perfect amount of time one needs to have a nice poop. I haven’tContinue reading “Marvel Snap Announced as Official Sponsor of Massive Post-Thanksgiving Poops”

Local opponent who has finished erecting the tiny fence surrounding their playmat is astounded you’re not using a tiny fence around your own playmat, sources weirded out, yet intrigued confirmed. “It’s so strange that in 2022, with the advent of the internet you still see people setting up and playing fenceless Magic: The Gathering. IContinue reading “Opponent with Tiny Fence Around Playmat Astounded You’re Not Using a Tiny Fence Around Your Playmat”

Wizards of the Coast is at it again. We’ve seen an uptick in new card variants like special borders, no borders, old borders, serialized runs, new art, and so on. The latest iteration of this trend gives players the chance to open up a regular old Magic card glued to a popsicle stick. Though theseContinue reading “Wizards of the Coast Refuses to Admit their Premium Cards Glued to Popsicle Sticks Aren’t Tournament Legal”

Magic: The Gathering is a game rife with variance. Despite the great lengths players go to mitigate RNJesus’ holy wrath there will always be situations where fate’s gameplan conflicts with you wanting to have a good time. As bad as these feels can be, it’s worth noting the long dick of bad draws aren’t alwaysContinue reading “How to Grin Like an Idiot While Feigning Sympathy for Your Opponent Who Mulled to Five”

KIRKLAND, Wash. — The end will come for us all at one time or another. It’s not uncommon for people think about and prepare for the inevitable. In the case of Richard Garfield, creator of Magic: The Gathering, recent news changed his ongoing preparations for the big sleep. After the recent double-downgrade due to theContinue reading “Richard Garfield Requests Double-Wide Casket In Anticipation of All the Rolling Over He’s Going to Be Doing”

AUSTIN, Texas — Local businesses brought the fight to Wizards of the Coast today after the announcement that Magic 31 will take place in Austin, Texas. Originally slated to take place on the train Snowpiercer, today’s announcement was a bit of a surprise to everyone. In response, businesses nearby the convention hall have already begunContinue reading “Businesses Nearby Location of Magic 31 Install Anti-Card Game Spikes”

Marvel Snap has reportedly taken over the life of local man Greg Wilkins. Sources close to Wilkins reported that right after closing Marvel Snap, Wilkins regularly found himself opening Marvel Snap. “The games are so quick and satisfying,” Wilkins said, staring at his phone. “It used to be I would open up Facebook or TwitterContinue reading “Local Man Closes Marvel Snap, Finds Themselves Opening Marvel Snap”

During a recent game of casual commander a friend of a friend, Michael Sanders mentioned that he gets all of his cards from his dad. Though we assumed the father was merely a Magic: The Gathering enthusiast who lets his son borrow decks, we learned that Sanders’ father actually owns Magic: The Gathering and makesContinue reading “We Sat Down With a Friend Whose Dad Owns Magic: The Gathering and Makes Like, All The Cards”