Animus Spell from Universes Beyond Assassin’s Creed Allows Your Descendants to Experience You Dicking Around All Day

Universes Beyond Assassin's Creed man watching tv

Assassin’s Creed takes players on a trip down their genetic memory to experience the lives of their ancestors. As such, Universes Beyond Assassin’s Creed will continue this tradition by allowing Magic: The Gathering’s player’s descendants to experience them dicking around all day.

“Similar to our Elden Ring Secret Lair, we’re planning on injecting plenty of Assassin’s Creed flavor into this release. Fans of the franchise are going to love it. The Universes Beyond Assassin’s Creed Magic: The Gathering Secret Lair spell Animus is one we know players will enjoy. After casting it, that player’s great-great grandkids will be able to visit their lives from the future,” WotC Product Designer Catherine Dyer said.

“They may not be experiencing the life of a Knight Templar or visiting a long-lost culture or civilization. However, these descendants will get a first-hand experience of sitting and looking at a phone all day,” Dryer said. “With the trajectory our world is headed we’re positive life will be far worse for our offspring. If we can afford to have any that is. Dicking around all day while sending mean tweets will likely be a luxury in the future.”

The announcement has had an unusual impact on Michele Burks.

“When I heard that my great-great grandkids would be able to visit my life from the future I got pretty paranoid. I’ve been wondering if they’re experiencing this moment right now. They could show up at any moment. As a result, I’ve gone never-nude and now poop in the dark. Also, my life is just going to work for eight hours then coming home and eating, cleaning and sleeping. Is that what I want them to experience?

“They deserve better. That’s why I’ve been walking around at night and stabbing people then climbing the sides of buildings to get away from the police. It’s kind of a bummer that the authorities are way slower to respond than the game. Sometimes not at all. Not very challenging if you ask me. Sorry, kids.”

Burks decided to get replica Hidden Blades to enhance the experience.

“What kind of great-great grandfather would I be without tying spring-loaded knives to my kid’s wrists? I was placing stacks of hay around town for me to hide in when the fuzz is on my tail. I had no idea hay was so heavy. One bushel ended up triggering my Hidden Blade and I stabbed myself through the palm.”

Burks decided to call it quits and return the life of Netflix and Grubhub after a group retaliated in response to one of his midnight stabbings. He ended up in the hospital discovering the friends of the person he stabbed didn’t try and fight him one at a time.

omg. dry erase cards. Of all the dry erase cards these are the driest. “How dry are they?” As dry as my wife after hearing me talk about how great MTG is. Sahara dry.

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