How to Grin Like an Idiot While Feigning Sympathy for Your Opponent Who Mulled to Five

Magic: The Gathering is a game rife with variance. Despite the great lengths players go to mitigate RNJesus’ holy wrath there will always be situations where fate’s gameplan conflicts with you wanting to have a good time. As bad as these feels can be, it’s worth noting the long dick of bad draws aren’t always going to be pointed at your rear end. Sometimes your opponent is going to be the one staring down defeat before the game even begins. It’s times like these to remember to practice good sportsmanship and feign sympathy while grinning like an idiot.

We’ve all been there.

In situations like these it’s wise to put yourself in their shoes. We’ve all been on the end of a bad opening hand so remembering how we felt bottoming two cards on the play will put you in the headspace needed to be sympathetic. Using your new-found empathy your reassurances between stifled giggles will be sure to provide your soon-to-be-dead opponent with the support they need as the prospect of prize support fades into obscurity.

Your smile will let them know you care.

It’s a fact that the majority of communication is actually non-verbal. Tone and expression play a large role in conveying contextual information through interpersonal communication. That’s why cackling like a hyena as your opponent strains to choose which cards they won’t be playing with will let them know you understand the position they’ve been put in through no action of their own.

Point out your opponent’s misfortune to passersby.

It’s possible your opponent will need more support than you alone can provide. Having a group of people to see you through tough times can be very beneficial. Be sure to alert others who may be unaware of your opponent’s bad spot so they too can lend their own words of wisdom. It’s important spectators know just “how bad it sucks for them” though be sure to hide the fact you’re being sarcastic. You might want to remind them to “draw better next game” just in case they didn’t know.

Deflect and blame “top decking” when they eventually beat you anyway.

Yeah, they were the better pilot and made better decisions than you at every opportunity but keep on smiling and shift the blame! Their deck was clearly stacked with every card they needed to hard-counter every one of your plays. If your opponent is under the impression that they beat you in a fair game it’s your job to squash that notion. After all you lost to your deck, right?

Read a bunch more Pauper Jumpstart articles.


USE THE CODE HOLIDAY15 for 15% off!
Shop at the Official Jerk Store

Become a Pauper Jumpstart Patron because we like money. Yours specifically. Yes, you. Come on, you breathed out of your nose and said “that’s funny” at least once.

Check out our comics!

omg. dry erase cards. Of all the dry erase cards these are the driest. “How dry are they?” As dry as my wife after hearing me talk about how great MTG is. Sahara dry.

Disclosure: Some of the links above are affiliate links. This means that, at zero cost to you, I will earn an affiliate commission if you click through the link and finalize a purchase.

Leave a Reply