Local Man Closes Marvel Snap, Finds Themselves Opening Marvel Snap

Close Marvel Snap, Open Marvel Snap

Marvel Snap has reportedly taken over the life of local man Greg Wilkins. Sources close to Wilkins reported that right after closing Marvel Snap, Wilkins regularly found himself opening Marvel Snap.

“The games are so quick and satisfying,” Wilkins said, staring at his phone. “It used to be I would open up Facebook or Twitter when I sat down to take a shit. Now it’s immediately Marvel Snap. Games are the perfect poop length for my poops that are also coincidently the perfect length. However, when I’m all finished up and I sit down on the couch, the first thing I do is open Marvel Snap. I don’t even remember starting the app, and before I realize what I’m doing I’m halfway through another game.”

Wilkins’ wife, Donna Wilkins began to notice significant change in her husbands behavior.

“I usually get up before Greg since my work starts earlier. This week I caught Greg rolling over in bed to silence his alarm and within seconds I’m hearing this weird hip-hop song and the Kool-Aid Man saying “Oh Snap!” A few times I asked if he was playing that game of his again, though I don’t even think he was awake. I shook him a few times and he slowly came to, but by then he’d somehow already won his match.”

Wilkins’ wife goes on to describe the strain it’s placed on their relationship.

“It’s like he can’t get through any simple tasks anymore without his phone ending up in his hands. I thought I was bad with how much I’m scrolling through TikTok these days, but it seems like every waking moment where he’s not playing Marvel Snap, he’s playing Marvel Snap. It’s so bad that I keep finding new phones because I can hear it playing that stupid song over and over again.”

At time of press Wilkins and his wife were in the midst of a discussion about their failing relationship and when his wife Donna asked if Greg still even wanted to be married to her he responded by saying “Devil Dinosaur Mid”.

Read a bunch more Pauper Jumpstart articles.


USE THE CODE HOLIDAY15 for 15% off!
Shop at the Official Jerk Store

Become a Pauper Jumpstart Patron because we like money. Yours specifically. Yes, you. Come on, you breathed out of your nose and said “that’s funny” at least once.

Check out our comics!

omg. dry erase cards. Of all the dry erase cards these are the driest. “How dry are they?” As dry as my wife after hearing me talk about how great MTG is. Sahara dry.

Disclosure: Some of the links above are affiliate links. This means that, at zero cost to you, I will earn an affiliate commission if you click through the link and finalize a purchase.

Leave a Reply