Wizards of the Coast Confirms Magic 31 Will Take Place on Snowpiercer

RENTON, Wash. — Wizards of the Coast announced they are in the planning stages of their next big event. Magic 31 is rumored to be taking place on everyone’s favorite socioeconomical locomotive, Snowpiercer.

“We’re constructing a brand-new perpetual locomotive using some of the cash we milked from players at Magic 30. The rest is going to cover those ridiculously expensive yellow tablecloths we used for the tables in Magic 30’s Command Zone. For people who are saying $350 is too much to sit at a table, we’d like to remind them that yellow is not a common color of tablecloth. If they were, the tables we set up for the poors would have them as well. We know our fans are going to love being able to play Magic: The Gathering while touring the globe, witnessing the ongoing climate catastrophe first-hand. So, like, the same as the film, but the opposite. Hot instead of cold.”

Wizards of the Coast vetted several venues before committing to use a Snowpiercer.

“These events are meant to be a celebration of Magic: The Gathering but are a valuable learning experience for us to improve for Magic 31. As many people saw, our exclusive Command Zone was ruined when people realized they’d prefer to play with their friends, rather than being relegated to playing against other affluent people. It resulted in empty tables, and us looking like a bunch of dinguses. Can’t very well charge people hundreds of dollars for something no one wants, can we? Some said we should let everyone play where they want since they’re already paying a ton of money to get in the door. I reminded them Hasbro is always listening and had a better idea. What if we found a way to keep the classes from mingling? That’s when the Snowpeircer idea began to take shape.”

The team took inspiration from the films heavy handed commentary on class discrimination.

“There were just too many parallels not to execute. With a Snowpiercer we can use passenger cars to separate fans at Magic 31 by the size of their bank accounts without the risk of co-mingling. This will allow us to dish out harsh punishments for rule breakers, like the good old days when we suspended a player for refusing to rat out his friend to us. Like our VIP Lounge, the front of our train will be filled with pros and influencers we like to give free stuff to on a weekly basis. More than anything I want these magic players to know their place. We don’t wear shoes on our head here at Wizards of the Coast. Oh, and like the film we also rely on children, over thirteen of course, to keep our company’s engine going.

It was pointed out that bad things happened to the people on the front of the train after the a large number of passengers rebel after being purposefully left to suffer so that the few could thrive. Wizards of the Coast admitted they never actually finished the film.

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