EDH Player Quick to Blame Misplays On Haunted Deck Box

Woman sitting behind a deck box with eyes

ATLANTA, Ga. — Local commander player Rikki Williams made plenty of bad calls throughout this weekend’s game, though was quick to attribute every punt to her haunted deck box.

“Let’s get this out of the way,” Williams said to her opponents while wrapping a chain around her Ultra Pro Satin Tower. “Don’t make eye contact with it. Keep your hands—specifically your fingers—away from it. And whatever you do, do not mention baseball. Hates it for whatever reason.”

Williams’ opponents shrugged, nodded, and the game progressed as usual. At least, at first.

“Most people think it’s a gag or whatever, but don’t care to push the issue of the Satin Tower chained to the table next to me. Honestly no one believes me until the damned thing starts screeching when I’m trying to make pivotal plays. Whoever is haunting my deck box had to have been a Magic: The Gathering player before they died because they know exactly when to start acting up. Who else would choose to haunt a deck box?”

Those who have experienced Williams’ haunted Satin Tower think it’s just an excuse.

“Haunted or no, bad plays are bad plays,” said Cally Barron, pod mate and opponent. “Rikki’s deck box is definitely haunted. But is that an excuse? People play around all sorts of distractions all the time. You can chalk-up a loss or two to your haunted deck box, but every time? Lot easier to shift the blame than admit you’re not a very good pilot if you ask me. Why continue to use it in the first place knowing it’s haunted?”

Williams responded to critics calling her deck box a scapegoat for her lack of skill.

“Do they really think I have a choice? Think about what would happen if I left this thing alone and unattended in my house? Would you want to return a place where a sadistic Satin Tower is hiding? Yeah, I’ll just head to bed. I didn’t want all my toes anyway. If you’re wondering how much damage a plastic deck box can do… have you ever tried to open a Satin Tower? Imagine if that Satin Tower didn’t want you to. Now imagine it has one of your fingers.

“I am frequently asked if I have ever considered throwing it away. What a big brain play! Hadn’t thought of that one. I’ve seen enough bad 90’s horror movies to tell you that these things always come back angry as shit after you try and get rid of them. This isn’t one of those deck boxes filled with skittles. No sir. This one is filled with vengeance.

“Like most things in life, sometimes all you can do is accept it and try to live your life. Though I’ve learned my lesson. I am never going to buy a used deck box on eBay again. To be fair, the seller did say up front ‘Accepts all returns unless it’s haunted’ so it’s partially my own fault. I thought they were just being cheeky.”

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