STOCKTON, Ca. — Notorious netdecker Chad Johnson was on a blind date with a friend of a friend Thursday. During which, he was caught typing his date’s questions into a Google search to provide an optimal answer.
“The last time I went on a blind date I couldn’t get Magic Arena’s rope timer to stop burning away and she left. This time I’m not taking any chances, so I’m turning to Google,” Johnson said looking at his phone. “This site says that people will subconsciously revert to a comfortable action when presented with a stressful situation which totally explains all of this. Man, I love the internet.
“Being a netdecker, relying on Google to make my choices for me serves as my safe space. When Kelly started asking me all these questions about myself, I didn’t want to screw it up. I searched for the correct responses to her questions. It turns out Google doesn’t know a whole lot about what hobbies and interests are, so I tried Bing which knew even less.”
Kelly Sparta, 24 and Johnson’s blind date, recalled the moment she noticed something was off.
“I could see the glow of his phone on his face whenever I asked him something. I thought he was nervous texting a friend which was cute at first. Not so much after the fifth or sixth time. I asked what he was doing on his phone, and he gave an unintelligible response. At this point I thought he was probably talking shit about me or playing a game or something. I asked if I could see his phone. He nervously handed it over. I was glad to see he wasn’t texting or playing games but then I saw his search history.”
Sparta then discovered what was really going on.
“He was literally typing the questions I asked him into Google. ‘What are my hobbies? What does my ideal vacation look like? What’s a good joke to tell a first date?’ Yeah, it was weird, but hey the guy was trying so I didn’t end the date immediately. I gave him a chance to explain himself and gave him back his phone. Maybe we could have a laugh about it, and he’d do the smart thing and chalk it up to nerves. I guess he took my gesture as permission, so now instead of typing under the table he started using voice search and asked Google, ‘What’s the right way to ask for a BJ on a first date?’ I left at that point and called my friend to yell at them for setting me up with a filthy netdecker.”
omg. dry erase cards. Of all the dry erase cards these are the driest. “How dry are they?” As dry as my wife after hearing me talk about how great MTG is. Sahara dry.
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