Pro Tip: Looped Ad Showing Abandoned Animals Set to Sad Music is Technically a Win-Con

ST. LOUIS, Mo. — Local Modern player Kaeden Hough has found one of, if not the most unusual win conditions in the history of Magic: The Gathering. By setting up a looped ad showing abandoned animals set to music that’s sad as fuck, he’s able to drive almost every opponent away from the game, resulting in a win.

“People think the only way to win matches of Magic is to play within the confines of the game, but I think we’ve only scratched the surface of unique, outside-of-the-booster-box thinking. Lowering an opponent’s life total to 0, draw card in their deck, or enabling a “insta-win” card mechanic are all well and good. But being a Johnny, I want to get wins in ways no one else has thought of, and thus has prepared for.”

Hough detailed how he began his process.

“I knew that forcing opponents to concede from external factors was a largely unexplored frontier. The question was, what kind of impressions could I make on my opponent which would be so abhorrent as to coerce them to abandon the match? For my first attempt I decided to abstain from showering, wiping, and brushing my teeth. That didn’t work, so I began eating raw onions I left in my car—so they’d get nice and warm, of course—though all that did was get me temporarily banned from the LGS, the antithesis of my design. After such an abject failure I imagine most people would give up. I’ll admit I thought about it too.”

Like a true home brewer, Hough didn’t quit and got to work testing and refining.

“That’s when it hit me. What if the external force wasn’t me, per se, but from an item I’m allowed to have during play? What if I broadcast something people couldn’t stand, but wasn’t outright gruesome. First, I used those ads asking for money by showing starving children in Africa. For whatever reason people shrugged those off really easily. Then I remembered a conversation I had with my ex-girlfriend (she left during the no-washing-onion-eating phase). So I began playing those ads showing abused and abandoned dogs set to really sad music and, like magic, my opponents began conceding in droves.”

At time of press, Hough has begun experimenting with broadcasting movies where the talking is too quiet, but the action and music are way too loud, though the data isn’t conclusive if this route is more efficient.

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