Wizards of the Coast Unsure How to Lower Cost of International Shipping for Secret Lair as “They’re Already Flying Coach”

PORTLAND, Ore. — Wizards of the Coast addressed fan’s concerns today regarding high international shipping costs for Secret Lairs. After researching the issue, it was concluded that there is no way to reduce the cost as “They are already flying coach.”

“We want our fans to be able to obtain Secret Lairs at a reasonable price regardless of where they live. Ideally, your location in the world should not have an impact on availability of our products, however certain logistical issues are beyond our control,” said Wizards of the Coast spokesperson Gracie Herman. “We are very much aware of the high cost of shipping for our international customers who purchase a Secret Lair. Trust us, if we could ship those products at a lower price, we would. It’s not like we’re not booking them in first-class or anything.”

WotC wants its fans to know that it’s working to cut costs wherever they can.

“We’re happy to announce that moving forward, Secret Lair’s luggage will be under 50 lbs. which will cut out the baggage fee. Additionally, we’ve decided to stop allowing Secret Lairs from repeatedly ordering alcoholic beverages during the trip. They tended to get a little unruly; there’s speculation that they’ve been mixing it with their Xanax. These changes are going to make Secret Lairs more affordable while making other passengers more comfortable.

Wizards of the Coast also responded to claims that there are far cheaper methods of shipping 4-5 cards.

“While our cost of shipping seems very high given that our product is relatively small and weighs very little since they are literally cardboard cards, we’d like to remind everyone that airlines do not charge us less money if the passenger is on the lighter side. We do not think that someone’s weight should have a bearing on the price of a plane ticket and would never seek to enact such a policy even if it meant reducing the cost to the customer.”

At time of press Wizards of the Coast is still looking into other methods of transit in lieu of air travel, though said it hadn’t been able to find a yacht able to transport product for a lower cost than most major airlines.

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