Ouch: $10,000 Worth of Commander Decks Battle It Out on $5 Folding Chairs

TAMPA, Fla. — Local commander pod who prides themselves on playing thoroughly optimized, high-power decks are battling it out again this week using over $10,000 in cards upon a wobbly table and about five dollars-worth of folding chairs one of their moms found at a garage sale.

“If you’re going to play commander why not have the very best cards at your disposal?” Elijah Byers, one of the four members of the pod, said. “I don’t know how people can play cards knowing that a better, more optimized version exists. For me, the game of commander is about continual refinement of your deck’s vision while climbing the power level ladder. People think that it’s more important to cultivate a pod with equal power levels, but I want the very best,” Beyers said, before his folding chair collapsed.

Other members of the pod shared their own ideas, some contrary to Byers.

“Elijah is a good guy but gets a little too hung up on his decks. We put up with it because his house is the only one we’re able to use for commander. Though I wish he’d invest a little less money in Magic cards and maybe buy some new furniture for the pod. We offered to chip in for something we can use each week, but Elijah kept saying ‘Why? We already have chairs and a table.’ I started bringing my own chair since I’m overdue for my tetanus booster.”

While the group appreciates the location and freedom to play on a weekly basis, others have pointed out their priorities may be a bit too focused.

“Let’s be real for a moment,” Paul Shasta said. “Elijah spends all of his money on cards and lives like shit. I asked him if he could do something about the god-awful smell in the room, though he said deodorant is a waste of money and that he can’t afford to hire someone clean the cat piss out of the carpets. Yeah, I lose every week because my deck is a pre-con I put $50 into upgrading, but at least I have enough money to eat something other than box mac and cheese every night. Don’t even get me started on his ‘showering is suboptimal’ tirade.”

At time of press, the playgroup voted to get rid of the rusty old folding chairs and is now sitting on a circle of mattresses they discovered on the side of the road.

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