NEWARK, N.J. — An abandoned storage unit won in a bidding war by local eBay seller Emanuel Mckinney unearthed a tasteful tentacle “art” film directed by and featuring Ulamog during his college years.
“I was pretty upset when I started going through the stuff inside the storage unit,” said Mckinney. “Most of it was junk. Some furniture, a large collection of empty liquor bottles, and a bunch of black shirts with ‘C’s Get Degrees’ printed on them. I’d clearly stumbled on some college kid’s crap from their dorm room that their parent’s paid to store then forgot about. Within minutes I was sure I’d wasted my money.”
Luckily Mckinney is not one to give up so easily.
“Even though most of it was crap, I still had to go through everything since I now owned it. I was hoping that there would be a sock drawer with some cash, or maybe some electronics worth pawning. Later on that night I found a bunch of old VHS tapes labeled with take numbers. I thought this might be some famous actor or director’s first film or something. I was kinda right!”
Mckinney had stumbled upon a heavily rumored film by the famous Eldrazi, Ulamog.
“Most of what I found was takes of the various “actresses” saying things like ‘No senpai, not there!’ over and over. It wasn’t as graphic as I expected a film featuring that many tentacles but man there sure were a lot of heavy-handed implications. It wasn’t that bad. Plot was pretty cliché but in the end the tentacles got the girls and saved the day.”
At time of press, the film was sold and will be released in documentary form, slotted in the place of the recently canceled “Bat Girl” film.