Report: Wizards of the Coast Cites “Really Expensive Cards” As Reason For Continued Financial Success

SEATTLE, Wash. — The recent earnings call for Hasbro paint a picture of continued financial success, breaking yet another record for profits for the toymaker. Magic: The Gathering was cited as one of their main drivers. When asked what their secret was, Wizards of the Cost said they “Sell really expensive cards.”

“We employ a team of experts who continually examine our P&L so we’re constantly adjusting various aspects of our operations. One main trend our analysts highlighted was an ongoing pattern. Through state-of-the-art algorithms, learning AI, and decades of financial know-how, we were able to accurately determine that when we printed cards people bought them. A lot.”

With this new-found wisdom, Wizards of the Coast decided to act.

“Having information like this is great, but it’s altogether useless if you don’t do anything with it. So, one of our interns had a great idea. What if we printed even more cards? Not everyone was immediately sold by the idea, but after making its rounds in various departments the permission to implement a ‘print more’ philosophy was given.”

After printing a lot more cards the company was happy with the results. But one person challenged the status quo, thinking there was even more that could be done to increase profits.

“I thought that was the end of it. We were making more money because there was more stuff to buy. But Stephen in the mail room came to me with another idea that I thought was downright crazy when I heard it. I’m obviously paraphrasing, but he essentially pitched the idea of charging people a lot more money in conjunction with making a lot more stuff. I was wrong about the “print more stuff” idea, so I figured we had to try out “charge more for stuff” too.

The results were astonishing. WotC was able to sell 15 cards for like $100 or something and people, even though they thought it was absurd, bought them in droves. It may sound like hyperbole but as of time of press WotC is able to sell basic lands at a premium, despite the fact that they can be found in such abundant quantities that they comprise a good 27% of the Pacific Ocean garbage patch.

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omg. dry erase cards. Of all the dry erase cards these are the driest. “How dry are they?” As dry as my wife after hearing me talk about how great MTG is. Sahara dry.

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