Opinion: If You Can Afford A Kitchen Big Enough to Fit a Whole Table You Can Afford to Play a Real Format

I’m sick of it. I’m done. People referring to the most casual form of Magic: The Gathering as “kitchen table”. You know what, if you have to provide a designation for a table based on its location, chances are you have more than one. Most people don’t have a “kitchen” or “dining room” table because guess what, they only have space for the one. So, to all you “kitchen table” players out there sitting inside your gigantic mansions, if you can afford a kitchen big enough to fit an entire table to comfortably play Magic: The Gathering with friends and family, you can afford to play a real format.

Why don’t you call it “deck-of-my-yacht” magic or “the help has to play with me because they’re my employees and they have to do what I say” magic? You one percenters think you can have vintage, legacy, and kitchen table? Why not just buy up all the cards and horde them so no one else can afford to play? That’s what you really want, isn’t it?

I bet you’re over there riding your horse to your local game store with your kids in tow on their ponies. I bet a collectors booster box is a treat for your kids for getting an A on their math test. You think you’re better than me because each one of your decks is old-bordered foils? I bet that doesn’t do anything to alleviate your existential despair, wondering if there’s anything more to life than buying whatever you want and never having to worry about money.

I bet you’re sitting there behind that fancy computer of yours just buying gems $100 at a time on Magic Arena, wondering why everyone thinks it’s so expensive. Oh, new Secret Lair drop of lands? Better upgrade all ninety commander decks with those forty-dollar basics. You probably don’t even know what a proxy is, and before you ask, no it’s not that stuff people overuse on DIY YouTube videos, that’s epoxy. I bet the table in your kitchen is one of those projects isn’t it? Probably made from a thousand year old redwood dyed to look like it’s got like a little river running through it. Which by the way looks really nice with your kitchen’s color scheme.

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