Silent Submersible Isn’t Bad, Just Misunderstood: A Guest Article by Silent Submersible

Hey all. Pauper Jumpstart gave me the opportunity to talk to you guys about me, Silent Submersible. You know, for whatever reason people never play me, even when Kamigawa Neon Dynasty hit the shelves and vehicles came into the meta again. Well, I’m here to tell you that Silent Submersible isn’t all that bad! I’m pretty good in fact. By the end of my guest article, I’m sure more than a few of you will be adding me to your decks.

I’m not sure if you remember, but I draw cards when I deal damage! That means you can use another spell to allow me to deal damage, turning me into a value engine! Let’s look at Fire Whip for example. With it- hang on a second, someone’s knocking.

Of course I remember I’m a vehicle. Why? Oh right, I stop existing as a creature at the end of the turn so any Auras will fall off. Well at least I get one- What do you mean it’s combat damage only? So, my ability doesn’t trigger on any damage? Ugh. Fine.

Okay, I’ve been told that I only draw cards for combat damage, so Fire Whip is useless, but that’s fine. I can also attack planeswalkers to trigger my ability, so there’s that! Also, being a submarine means that I can easily sneak past any defenders and reliably deal combat damage for an extra draw every turn. Ugh. What now?

You again. No evasion of any kind? But I’m a submarine. Surely, I can’t be blocked by a flying creature. I can.. That makes zero sense. A bird. In the sky. Flying. Blocks a submarine. I thought this game was overly pedantic… What about islandwalk? Wow, I refuse to accept ‘They don’t do that anymore’ as an answer.

Fine. It’s fine. That doesn’t change anything. I am still good enough. I still have value. Look. I am a submarine. In Magic. At least that is something, right? Just the fact that I can take creatures with me to explore the oceans. What else- oh for fucks sake.

Oh right. Merfolk. Yeah, I know they can already breathe underwater without a submarine. Yeah, I’m sure they’ve already explored the oceans. No. It’s fine. You can go.

So, I uh. Yeah. Well. You know what. Fuck all of you. I’m a god damn rare. I have value. You’d be lucky to pull me in a pack. One of a kind I tell you. Hang on. This is getting ridiculous.

What? You got something else to say? Wanna remind me how useless I am? My therapist thought this was a good idea. To face my own insecurities and show the world just how much I have to offer. Well she’s fired. So what. What do you want to say now? Twenty cents? That’s all? But I’m a rare. Do you have any idea how much that’s worth on Magic Arena? Fuck this. I’m done. Fuck Pauper Jumpstart and fuck your audience. Bunch of pricks.

Read a bunch more Pauper Jumpstart articles.


USE THE CODE HOLIDAY15 for 15% off!
Shop at the Official Jerk Store

Become a Pauper Jumpstart Patron because we like money. Yours specifically. Yes, you. Come on, you breathed out of your nose and said “that’s funny” at least once.

Check out our comics!

omg. dry erase cards. Of all the dry erase cards these are the driest. “How dry are they?” As dry as my wife after hearing me talk about how great MTG is. Sahara dry.

Disclosure: Some of the links above are affiliate links. This means that, at zero cost to you, I will earn an affiliate commission if you click through the link and finalize a purchase.

Leave a Reply