Tempo Player Insists Skipping Post-Poop Wipe Before Getting In the Shower is the Optimal Line of Play

Each turn of Magic: The Gathering is like its own little puzzle. Sometimes the answer is obvious. Sometimes there’s a multitude of choices based on the current board state and what you have available in hand. Playing optimally is a skill that can take years of practice, yet making the wrong play is something even the most seasoned of veterans deal with. One tempo player in particular has taken the idea of doing things optimally to life outside the game in order to hone this skill, specifically stating that your pre-shower shit requires no wiping since you’re about to clean that area anyway.

“Not only is it a waste of time, but a waste of resources,” John Milton said. “Everyone seems to forget how precious toilet paper used to be. What’s the point of cleaning something twice? In the end you’re saving time, money and waste on the planet. My logic is sound and everyone knows it.”

Other MTG players agree that playing optimally is good, but also … ew.

“Why are we even talking about this? Couldn’t there be better ways to discuss efficiency? Why not talk about lining up your arms with grocery bags to make fewer trips or something? We could talk about making a to do list, or explore how setting goals and rewarding yourself helps with motivation. Why does it always have to go … there?”

Milton isn’t dissuaded by people who disagree with his methods however.

“People always hate discussing difficult things, which is why we should be talking about them. Showering in itself is also inefficient because, guess what? You’re just going to get dirty again. Same with those dishes in the sink. You’re going to just keep getting them dirty over and over again. Do you have any idea how much more you’re able to accomplish when you cut out unnecessary steps in your life?”

Milton’s local game store has posted a “totally-not-aimed-at-one-person” notice about hygiene being a requirement to enter the store which has effectively barred Milton from competing in-person. Unphased, Milton is happy with the decision as no one can smell him on SpellTable.

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omg. dry erase cards. Of all the dry erase cards these are the driest. “How dry are they?” As dry as my wife after hearing me talk about how great MTG is. Sahara dry.

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