Pro Tip: Contemplating Building a New Deck? Masturbate First

A big part of Magic: The Gathering are all the things that come before you sit down and shuffle up against an opponent. You have to research new cards regularly to ensure your decks are operating efficiently. Goldfish your deck and get in some solo practice. Though sometimes the notion that you should build a whole new deck takes over. Let’s be honest, buying cards is fun. But, depending on which format you’re building in, can be quite expensive. So what do you do when the overwhelming urge to splurge on a brand new deck begins to grow? The pros think you should masturbate first.

“That’s the thing about MTG,” Allie Spurag, MTG veteran, said, “a new deck is always there. There are always more cards to buy. Hell, even if you own a card there’s almost always some newly released art, showcase border, or Secret Lair treatment. Maintaining self-control can be daunting, especially if you’re not sitting on a bunch of expendable income.”

Spurag developed a method to help curb urges that could end up being damaging.

“If you’re really down bad, the deck’s in your cart, payment’s ready to go, and all you have to do is hit that ‘order’ button, stop. Put down your phone or get up from your computer and go change your oil. Once you’re done badgering the witness and you still think it’s a good idea, go for it. But nine times out of ten you’ll find you didn’t really want to go through the process of adding a whole new deck to your collection, you just needed to tune your antenna.”

Spurag’s process has made its way to many different circles within the MTG community and has become particularly popular with the format with the worst offenders of building new decks consistently: commander players.

“This whole time I thought I really needed a new commander to build, despite having fifteen other decks I haven’t been even able to play yet. Turns out I just needed a little one man show. Sure it was kind of weird and a few of my friends didn’t believe me, but after I buttered their corn they saw just how right I was.”

It’s become so popular that many local game stores are now offering curtained … sections for players to rope the pony before checkout, though now require full-time staff for cleaning, or at least a mop and bucket.


Playing with by yourself is fun, but being able to do it with a friend is better. Magic The Gathering Starter kit is 30% off today, and has a deck for you and a friend. At only $10 you’re looking at about $5 per deck which can fill that itch for new decks at an insanely low price.

Disclosure: Some of the links above are affiliate links. This means that, at zero cost to you, I will earn an affiliate commission if you click through the link and finalize a purchase.


Help Support Us!

If you enjoy our content, pretty, pretty please consider becoming a patron at our Patreon page. A $1 pledge will help us with costs. That’s it. $1. It’s all we want. You know what you can buy for $1 these days? Not much! Unless you went to the dollar store, then you can buy a whole lot! Wait. No. Give us the dollar, not the dollar store. If you don’t enjoy our content we guess you can go to the dollar store, but we doubt it since shitting on MTG is hilarious.

Or if you have many dollars, check out the official Pauper Jumpstart Jerk Store and lend your support through great apparel we designed.

Leave a Reply