Yet Another Lane of Busy Portland Road is Being Requisitioned for Thragtusk Riders Only

Man riding a Thragtusk from Magic: The Gathering

PORTLAND, Ore. — In an attempt to cut down on carbon emissions the city of Portland has penned an executive order to requisition additional travel space for non-vehicle commuters. Effective in 2023, an additional fifteen major Portland roads will have one lane converted into a Thragtusk-riders only lane.

“With Thragtusks becoming a mainstream means of travel I’m pleased to see the city embracing those of us who choose to lower our carbon footprint,” Jake Cerna told reporters outside City Hall. “Being able to thrag around the city will be much easier, which means even more people will ditch their cars. It’s just the best way to travel.”

The growing popularity of Thragtusks can be attributed to its environmentally-friendly features. However, the benefits of “thragging” go far beyond a low carbon footprint.

“When you first get your Thragtusk you just feel so alive. Like five more alive. It’s hard to explain and something you must experience for yourself. Also, if anything happens to your Thragtusk, it replaces itself with a 3/3. Sure it’s not as powerful, but it’ll get you where you need to go until you can get a new one.”

Even with so many reasons to switch, many commuters are upset with the city’s plans.

“If you think traffic is bad now, just wait,” Bob Omer, a lifetime resident of Portland, said. “I’m not going anywhere near W Burnside after those lanes go in. It’s going to be a nightmare. And for what? Most of us don’t have the space to keep a Thragtusk. What am I supposed to do, put my kids carseat on its back? I’m all for saving the planet, but let’s be real, thragging around isn’t for everyone.”

While Thragging is still in its infancy, one can see how its appeal might reach a broad audience. However, safety organizations are asking commuters to remain cautious as these are still beasts that die to Doom Blade.



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