MTG Finance Enthusiast Horrified After Learning About Fire, Decries WotC For ‘Letting This Happen’

Ah yes, cardboard stocks. The wonders of modern times never cease to amaze. Within the secondary market exists an entire world of buying, selling, and trading and for some it’s a full-time job. Actual game, be damned, these speculators thrive on buying product they believe will increase in value to turn a profit to then invest in the next cash grab. Largely known as “MTG Finance”, this group is largely ignored by the hardcore players, though from time to time their influence is felt outside of their circles.

We sat down with Michael Bloombottom, a relatively new Financeer who talked with us about his experience, and issues with the hobby.

“I got into it after watching Wolf of Wall Street,” Bloombottom said. “The idea that you can go from nothing to extravagance with just your wits was so enticing to me. I’ll admit I didn’t finish the movie, but I’m guessing everything worked out for the main character in the end.”

Not long after a large investment in Magic The: Gathering product, Bloombottom came to a shocking realization that would cause him to question his decision.

“I was so high off the purchase I made, I decided to actually leave my basement and go to a friend of a friend’s party. It was great until I walked into his back yard and saw everyone sitting around this glowing pit. Intrigued, I went over to see what it was. They called it ‘Fire’.”

Bloombottom’s revelation had implications that reached far beyond what he ever expected.

“Someone had a piece of wood in hand so obviously I told them about my investment. I let them know how much money they could be making if they were able to turn that wood into cardboard magic cards, but I don’t think they heard me very clearly because they kind of just rolled their eyes and thew the log into the fire. It was then that, using my keen sense of logic, I put two and two together. If this ‘fire’ could burn the wood, it could also likely burn the magic cards I just spent my life savings on.”

It was a night Bloombottom says he’ll never forget.

“Well obviously I couldn’t stay. I had work to do. From my research I found that one of the ways the professionals beat fire is to use water. I acquired this substance and found that by submerging my stockpiles in this substance it would preserve them from fire in the even that my mom’s baseme- er, eh storage facility decided to burn. I thought I’d be able to share this brilliant idea with some of the others in the MTG Finance community, but they just called me a ‘dumbass’ which obviously meant they were just mad they didn’t think of it first.”

“I then decided to write to Wizards of the Coast to let them know about my discovery. I was obviously furious. My sources told me they have been aware of this, ‘fire’ the entire time and continued to produce magic cards anyway. I am currently in the process of hiring a lawyer to take my case in front of a judge. They shouldn’t be able to get away with this.”

Read a bunch more Pauper Jumpstart articles.


USE THE CODE HOLIDAY15 for 15% off!
Shop at the Official Jerk Store

Become a Pauper Jumpstart Patron because we like money. Yours specifically. Yes, you. Come on, you breathed out of your nose and said “that’s funny” at least once.

Check out our comics!

omg. dry erase cards. Of all the dry erase cards these are the driest. “How dry are they?” As dry as my wife after hearing me talk about how great MTG is. Sahara dry.

Disclosure: Some of the links above are affiliate links. This means that, at zero cost to you, I will earn an affiliate commission if you click through the link and finalize a purchase.

Leave a Reply